a twenty year-old soldier, deeping an escape fantasy into the wilderness of lifestyle, fashion, music, politics and the suffocation of everyday living. allow me to take my emotions and paint the world white.

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15 July 2005 @ 2:56 pm

there'll never be anything at all

I'm so fucking addicted to The Dope Show by Marilyn Manson. It's my most fravourite song. I feel so fuckable with it. It booses up my sexual tendency. It not only give you the sinister urge, it browes various meanings that are very dear to me. The song speaks ALOT about drugs. But I am able to compare dopes with people. And that song enables me to nevigate it this way, the way I feel I most can.

So I'm back from work and in school right now. It's not easy juggling all this time at once. I saw Deepan's blog and he mentioned something about working only 1 to 2 hours aday with salary around $400. That is so fucking tempting. I'm working 6-7 hours a day and my estimated pay is $30+. And that depends if I have shifts or not. I've so far calculated my salary for August; I'll be getting around $300+ if I constantly work 3 shift a week. Which I believe I will be able to from my planning. I must start to starve also, to get almost all of my stuff. I'm planning on getting wallet and discman pouch first cause It's an everyday thing. Planning on meeting baby today and also planning on doing a Ham & Cheese Cousainte for baby. Kinda like what I call my own recipe which I believe baby would enjoy. So now I'm should be back to "doing" my jobsheets. I actually am COPYING them from other's name to mine. Which I've just completed sucessfully. Tomorrow I'll be bulldozing myself down to baybeats at esplanade after work, can't wait to see Lunarin and Mary would be there too to accompany me.

Anyway, my blog spoked yesterday and I manage to reply to that email which I will be posting here for refrence purpose.

Reply email: Replying to this, firstly you said "...if any1 should leave, i should be the one, im giving u all all the problems...". In some reason, you're right. Saying that you should leave. BUT you would be MORE than happy to leave so that you can enjoy ALL your time WITHOUT us. Maybe thats what you wanted all the while. And secondly, you KNOW that you yourself are giving problems but why not the change? Funny right?

And then you say "...and ernie all of them have put in so much effort during this period, dun u think its kinda unfair for them? seriously, dun avoid them, things between them can still be the same, u just hafta avoid me...". Let me ask you a question, you KNOW that your friends have helped you in this right? Did you take the time to appriciate them? Their effort? Their willingness? Their time? Their money spent on sms/calls? So for all this, you know they're helping but you're not doing anything. You're watching them to despair to silence. You're like in denial to everything/anything. YOU are the cause of ALL this yes, but do you think I'm gonna get things to run off like that? You're able to say that it was unfair to them, and so was it. You were unfair to them and to me(and maybe fad). You thought of YOURSELF and YOUR time to spend with YOUR friends leaving me to this. You were selfish for what you did. And then you say that "...u just hafta avoid me...". Why should I do that, when at first we wanted you back. Waiting and wasting our time for maybe 3 months having to pour our views to Ernie/Zi Chee, just for the better for you to say this in the end? So ALL of my and their efforts have gone to waste afterall right? Maybe I should have listened to my gf and didn't look back at you at the beginning of the year like she told me to. But I didn't, because I BELIEVE that there is still faith but you got shit all over my face now.

I told fad what happened and he told me that it's funny the way you put it. That you said you would change. That you said repent would take place but it didn't. That you PROMISE a different ending but it didn't come up at all. And he asked me, if you did sms/call for slack. But you didn't afterall and he said it's just still the same. Whatever that he said was just for that moment and the next it's different. What Fad said is logical and there is no fighing from it. But I guess all our wishes would never come through. And it's funny the way you talk ALL about getting yourself together with "the chinese" more that they're avoiding you; BUT ignoring and putting no effort on US(me&fad) that the more that we want you back.

I'm not planning on changing my decision at all until I feel there is something to look forward for. And a change; but till then, don't expect anything from me that I'm going to call them or anything like that. Let them feel that you are the cause of it, I don't care anymore. I don't wish to either, cause the more I do something to clear someone else's name. I still get the same shit.